I am currently lying on the floor of my apartment looking up at the underside of my lofted bed, my laptop propped precariously in front of my face while my brain oozes out my ears to leave two moderately-sized sludgy puddles on either side of my face, probably which will leave a stain which no doubt will come out of my security deposit.
I say that my laptop is propped precariously because at any moment, if I breathed too deeply or typed to vigorously, my laptop would come crashing down on my head. Imagine this: I am lying on my back in what is essentially the fetal position-- my head and spine are on the ground, but my legs are curled up. The laptop is leaning against the tops of my knees, being held there by the underside of my bra and my wrists which if absent of the keyboard would look a bit like T-Rex Arms. One wrong move and the screen could rotate forward and clobber me on the nose. One does not know shame until one's laptop, phone, tablet, e-reader, book, or other item occasionally used while on one's back has crashed down with the full force of gravity and hit one in the face. And yet I continue thusly because I find my head throbs the least when in direct contact with the floor.
My head is throbbing because my apartment has become an ungodly furnace of hellfire. I have never been so hot in my four years in Seattle. If I have, I have blocked that memory out. The weather report says it is 71 degrees outside. I haven't been outside yet today for a variety of reasons--the main being I am too lazy, a feeling not assisted by the heat. It is not 71 degrees in my apartment. 71 degrees is sweater weather compared to the temperature of my apartment.
How an apartment can get so blindly, blisteringly hot when outside it is so relatively reasonable is my main source of frustration. A secondary source of frustration is why any modern apartment building would be built with out an air conditioner-- I don't care if it's Seattle and two months ago I was still using the heating unit. These are the days I *really* believe in global warming and I just think, "if it's just going to get warmer, you'd think developers would think ahead". My windows have been open all day and at just barely 7pm I am starting to feel a very slight breeze.
It is summer. Officially. If I close my eyes and I block out the noise of the freeway and jabbing of the laptop into my ribs, romanticized childhood memories of summer flood in. It's always dusk in my memories of summer, after the temperature has dropped to something more reasonable. All the best parts of summer happen at dusk. Barbecues, pickup games of kickball or basketball or tag, walks to the community center, bike rides to the elementary school. For some reason when I play any of these memories back the sun is always sinking in the horizon, slinking away sullenly.
I've always been a summer person. Buuut I've also always been an air condition person. I like warm weather, I like being hot, I just don't like being inescapably hot, stiflingly hot and trapped like a wild animal in a poorly ventilated zoo enclosure. Which is why today I have unwisely decided to rot away in my apartment, too hot and too lazy to do anything but watch "Weeds" and read a book. And slowly let my brain ooze out. Which is an unfortunate loss, but not to be helped.
Some people will undoubtedly criticize me and anyone else like me who has decided to sacrifice a day like to day to laziness inside. These critics do not appreciate the fleetingness of life. This might sound contradictory--why shouldn't one use every day to it's maximum potential? Isn't doing as much as you can appreciating and indeed recognizing the fleetingness of life?
Yes. It is. It is also exhausting. And in any case, doing nothing is doing something. Nothing is never nothing. For example. I folded all of my laundry today, even my hand towels which are more often then not just shoved in the cupboard. I took a shower, I even lather-rinse-repeated. I finished a book--for fun--and continued another. I watched half a dozen episodes of "Weeds" which is a lot of "Weeds" but at least they are 30 minute episodes.
And now I am here. On the floor of my apartment. Writing. It took a day of nothing to do a few things I never do (that makes it sound like when I list showering as one of my day's activities above showering is not a daily activity--it totally is). Doing nothing is very important because suddenly you realize that there are things on your list you finally have time to do. When everything is go go go things fall by the wayside. It took a brain meltingly hot day and my own sloth to start writing again. Worth it.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Ghost of Boyfriends Past
There are few things more horrifying for a young, single woman than running into an ex-boyfriend when she looks less than perfect and fabulous.
Today, I went grocery shopping and ran into my first ex-boyfriend. You know, the first kiss, the first hand hold, the first heart flutter. You know, the first break-up when you realize that boyfriends are risky business and that next time maybe you shouldn't get your nails done if he's gunna dump you right before prom.
Not only did I not look fabulous, I looked like shit. First of all, I have had a cold so my nose was red and runny. Secondly, I hadn't put on make-up. Third, my hair was a mess. Fourth, I was wearing a baggy sweat shirt.
And last of all, he is engaged.
There are few things more horrifying for a young single woman than running into an ex-boyfriend when she looks less than perfect and fabulous but one of those things is if the ex-boyfriend she runs into is fucking engaged.
Because, 1) you look like shit and 2) you are so single.
Once I had crawled back into the car with my tail between my legs and my groceries in the truck I looked in the flip down mirror. I looked like one of those sad before pictures in fashion magazines.
I replayed our short and awkward (me, I was awkward) conversation in my head. I had been so preoccupied by my runny nose and stupid sweatshirt that I hadn't really engaged him in conversation. He said he was going to the local junior college and spending most of his time working.
Oh, I forgot to mention, I didn't just run into him at the grocery store completely randomly-- he works at the seafood counter of the grocery store.
I might have looked terrible, and I might be terribly single, but at least I don't go to our local junior college and at least I don't have to work behind a seafood counter. I mean seriously, I work in an office and I come home smelling like printer toner and white-out-- I don't think I could handle coming home smelling like salmon and crab. Blech.
So maybe there are worse things than being ugly and single. And he's probably thinking to himself, "I guess going to JC and working at Safeway isn't so bad, I could be ugly and single".
Because, really, it's all about perspective right?
In the meantime I think I'm going to remember to wear at least some make-up, even to the grocery store.
Today, I went grocery shopping and ran into my first ex-boyfriend. You know, the first kiss, the first hand hold, the first heart flutter. You know, the first break-up when you realize that boyfriends are risky business and that next time maybe you shouldn't get your nails done if he's gunna dump you right before prom.
Not only did I not look fabulous, I looked like shit. First of all, I have had a cold so my nose was red and runny. Secondly, I hadn't put on make-up. Third, my hair was a mess. Fourth, I was wearing a baggy sweat shirt.
And last of all, he is engaged.
There are few things more horrifying for a young single woman than running into an ex-boyfriend when she looks less than perfect and fabulous but one of those things is if the ex-boyfriend she runs into is fucking engaged.
Because, 1) you look like shit and 2) you are so single.
Once I had crawled back into the car with my tail between my legs and my groceries in the truck I looked in the flip down mirror. I looked like one of those sad before pictures in fashion magazines.
I replayed our short and awkward (me, I was awkward) conversation in my head. I had been so preoccupied by my runny nose and stupid sweatshirt that I hadn't really engaged him in conversation. He said he was going to the local junior college and spending most of his time working.
Oh, I forgot to mention, I didn't just run into him at the grocery store completely randomly-- he works at the seafood counter of the grocery store.
I might have looked terrible, and I might be terribly single, but at least I don't go to our local junior college and at least I don't have to work behind a seafood counter. I mean seriously, I work in an office and I come home smelling like printer toner and white-out-- I don't think I could handle coming home smelling like salmon and crab. Blech.
So maybe there are worse things than being ugly and single. And he's probably thinking to himself, "I guess going to JC and working at Safeway isn't so bad, I could be ugly and single".
Because, really, it's all about perspective right?
In the meantime I think I'm going to remember to wear at least some make-up, even to the grocery store.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
What Exactly I Did in the Last 365 Days
Last New Year I made 13 resolutions for 2013. They were as follows:
1. Go to yoga more often. I mean really, like once a week at least.
2. Watch less TV. Get off your lazy ass.
3. Socialize more. Make friends. Party. Talk to people.
4. Eat better? I mean, I guess. Less sweets at the very least.
5. Be more sexy. Seriously, I can do it.
6. Read more books. I'm a nerd, that's what we do.
7. Get. Off. Social. Media. Facebook, twitter, the whole lot.
8. Blog more. I know that is pretty vague, and I always say that, but I'm working on it.
9. Write more. See above.
10. Find a man in Seattle. I know it's a shallow resolution, but hey, it's a desire.
11. Do something everyday that would make a good story.
12. Floss more.....
13. Try not to be so emotionally attached to fictional characters. Or so emotionally attached to most things, for that matter.
This is my response to these 13 goals:
1. It didn't happen. It's not going to happen. You did start working out at the gym this year and you fell in love with it, so actually I'd say you came out on top. You aren't a yoga-er at 21 (almost 22). You do like cardio and you do like weights though, so hurrah.
2. You don't really watch less TV. You will though, when you go abroad, so get ready for some TV withdrawal. Since last year you have stopped watching Supernatural, started and then stopped watching Doctor Who, continued to be obsessed with Once Upon a Time, watched the seventh season of How I Met Your Mother in 2 days when you were sick, petered off watching the sitcoms New Girl and Happy Endings, started watching Almost Human and hacked into your aunt's HBO account to watch True Blood, Game of Thrones, and Sex and the City. You really didn't even try to take heed to this one.
3. The highlight of the past year has been the friendships in it. You have the strongest human bonds now, stronger than ever before in your life. You have countless people who love you and who you love. You have partied, although seriously you are too old to go to house parties without feeling jaded and you always wake up hungover. You go to bars regularly, increasing your likeliness to socialize, and decreasing your likeliness to save money. You have more friends and more meaningful relationships than ever before in college, and really probably your whole life. Congrats.
4. I can't really remember what you were eating like last year but you probably haven't improved much. You weigh the same, which is 10 pounds heavier than you want to be and 20 pounds heavier than your license suggests. You are about to depart for Italy, so don't I don't expect it'll get any better. But you're working out now, so fuck it, eat shitty.
5. Sexiness is a lifestyle. You just revamped your makeup and you have a functionally new wardrobe from a year ago so externally you are doing okay. Your new found love of lip stains in the form of crayons certainly helps make you feel sexier.
6. Reading is overrated when there are audiobooks. I would never have gotten through Game of Thrones without the audiobook. You read a shitload for class so I'll give you a break.
7. Social media sucks. I have deleted my Twitter. I still have Facebook and I hate it. I am weening myself off of Tumblr. I have still never had Instagram or Pinterest (although my mother has Pinterest and pronounces it Pin-terest) or anything like that. Resisting Linkedin until I have graduated.
8. Hey, I'm blogging right now right? Proof I did okay on this one.
9. I don't want to talk about it.
10. Hah. I REALLY don't want to talk about it.
11. I have rocked this resolution so hard.
12. YOU CANNOT MAKE ME FLOSS. I can't. Really. I just hate it.
13. This is really hard for me. Living vicariously through fictional characters is a vital part of human nature. But I also think that I need to live vicariously through myself and not rely on other people (who aren't even real people) live my life in my stead.
Overall I think I did pretty poorly in keeping my resolutions. I am not that surprised, that's why I looked them up in the first place. You can't change your life by looking at a date and saying "Aha, now I turn my life around." That is boring. What's the point of 2014, if I could have accomplished everything in 2013? Would 2014 have even come? I think the end of the world will happen when people finally accomplish all of their new year resolutions.
That being said, here are 14 goals for 2014:
1. Give yourself a break. You do this thing where you think if you make the same mistake twice or if you don't at least see improvement overtime, you are going backwards. Time is linear, but progress isn't always. You can make the same mistakes twice, or three times, or a hundred times. And you don't have to make these big leaps and bounds forward everyday. You'll be surprised at how much progress you make when you aren't monitoring your every move. Like that phrase about a watched pot never boiling.
2. Continue to be healthy. Eat well, sleep well, work out, exercise your brain, exercise your heart and soul. If you can be healthy, mentally, physically, and emotionally, you will be your best version of you. Seriously, you aren't going to be a kind, friendly, loving or lovable person if you are feeling unwell.
3. Regarding men: take a page out of your new favorite show Sex and the City and have the flirtatious manner of Samantha, the wisdom and caution of Miranda, the sweetness and romantic ambition of Charlotte, and the penchant for writing it all down of Carrie. You spend a lot of time being Miranda and I don't think it's helpful in finding a mate. I think the message of the show really is, above all else, that none of these women can be role models for successful love lives, but together they make a balanced, if not neurotic woman. Also, just cool your tits about getting a boyfriend.
4. Maintain your relationships, keep them healthy, and make new friends. In girl scouts there was that rhyme about new and old friends being silver and gold. Well, focus less on categorizing your relationships by precious metals, and concentrate of committing yourself to having valuable and meaningful relationships with people. If they aren't genuine, if they aren't healthy, then why are you putting effort in to maintain them? Actively choose to associate yourself with positive people and be honest, communicative, and caring.
5. Be pretty. Last year it was be sexy. This year be pretty. Wear make up, smile, moisturize. And be pretty on the inside. Pretty, like sexy, is a lifestyle.
6. Adventure. This is a perfect resolution for this new year because in 5 days you are leaving for Italy. Be adventurous.
7. Don't be shy. Too much time is wasted in you being shy. You cannot make friends or have adventures if you are shy. Stop pretending you are a wallflower. You are the loudest goddamn wallflower in the world, get over it.
8. Don't procrastinate. You cannot do anything if you cannot do it in a timely fashion. Plus, shyness is just another form of procrastination, and that's already off the list of things you are allowed to do.
9. Go to bed early enough that you can wake up early enough to be productive. Aren't you embarrassed when you wake up just in time for lunch? It's like the easiest resolution. I believe in you.
10. Leave the house at least once a day. Do one thing outside of your house or apartment everyday. Even if it is to go for a walk around the block.
11. Talk less, listen more. Believe me, some of your stories are completely pointless. Write it down, say in your blog, if you need to release it to the world. Choose words wisely, they cannot be taken back. Plus, less words gives off an air of pithiness. I think that's a good thing.
12. Don't overcommit yourself. Manage your expectations and the expectations of others. 14 resolutions is an example of overcommitting yourself.
13. My mom suggested "buy more gifts for your mom" as one of my new years resolutions. I don't know if I buy that as a genuine resolution, but it does speak to a goal everyone should have. Be generous. That's a good one. Good job, mom.
14. Change is good. Slow change is good, fast change is good. The world will spin and you better spin with it. And everything, I do mean everything, is going to be okay.
1. Go to yoga more often. I mean really, like once a week at least.
2. Watch less TV. Get off your lazy ass.
3. Socialize more. Make friends. Party. Talk to people.
4. Eat better? I mean, I guess. Less sweets at the very least.
5. Be more sexy. Seriously, I can do it.
6. Read more books. I'm a nerd, that's what we do.
7. Get. Off. Social. Media. Facebook, twitter, the whole lot.
8. Blog more. I know that is pretty vague, and I always say that, but I'm working on it.
9. Write more. See above.
10. Find a man in Seattle. I know it's a shallow resolution, but hey, it's a desire.
11. Do something everyday that would make a good story.
12. Floss more.....
13. Try not to be so emotionally attached to fictional characters. Or so emotionally attached to most things, for that matter.
This is my response to these 13 goals:
1. It didn't happen. It's not going to happen. You did start working out at the gym this year and you fell in love with it, so actually I'd say you came out on top. You aren't a yoga-er at 21 (almost 22). You do like cardio and you do like weights though, so hurrah.
2. You don't really watch less TV. You will though, when you go abroad, so get ready for some TV withdrawal. Since last year you have stopped watching Supernatural, started and then stopped watching Doctor Who, continued to be obsessed with Once Upon a Time, watched the seventh season of How I Met Your Mother in 2 days when you were sick, petered off watching the sitcoms New Girl and Happy Endings, started watching Almost Human and hacked into your aunt's HBO account to watch True Blood, Game of Thrones, and Sex and the City. You really didn't even try to take heed to this one.
3. The highlight of the past year has been the friendships in it. You have the strongest human bonds now, stronger than ever before in your life. You have countless people who love you and who you love. You have partied, although seriously you are too old to go to house parties without feeling jaded and you always wake up hungover. You go to bars regularly, increasing your likeliness to socialize, and decreasing your likeliness to save money. You have more friends and more meaningful relationships than ever before in college, and really probably your whole life. Congrats.
4. I can't really remember what you were eating like last year but you probably haven't improved much. You weigh the same, which is 10 pounds heavier than you want to be and 20 pounds heavier than your license suggests. You are about to depart for Italy, so don't I don't expect it'll get any better. But you're working out now, so fuck it, eat shitty.
5. Sexiness is a lifestyle. You just revamped your makeup and you have a functionally new wardrobe from a year ago so externally you are doing okay. Your new found love of lip stains in the form of crayons certainly helps make you feel sexier.
6. Reading is overrated when there are audiobooks. I would never have gotten through Game of Thrones without the audiobook. You read a shitload for class so I'll give you a break.
7. Social media sucks. I have deleted my Twitter. I still have Facebook and I hate it. I am weening myself off of Tumblr. I have still never had Instagram or Pinterest (although my mother has Pinterest and pronounces it Pin-terest) or anything like that. Resisting Linkedin until I have graduated.
8. Hey, I'm blogging right now right? Proof I did okay on this one.
9. I don't want to talk about it.
10. Hah. I REALLY don't want to talk about it.
11. I have rocked this resolution so hard.
12. YOU CANNOT MAKE ME FLOSS. I can't. Really. I just hate it.
13. This is really hard for me. Living vicariously through fictional characters is a vital part of human nature. But I also think that I need to live vicariously through myself and not rely on other people (who aren't even real people) live my life in my stead.
Overall I think I did pretty poorly in keeping my resolutions. I am not that surprised, that's why I looked them up in the first place. You can't change your life by looking at a date and saying "Aha, now I turn my life around." That is boring. What's the point of 2014, if I could have accomplished everything in 2013? Would 2014 have even come? I think the end of the world will happen when people finally accomplish all of their new year resolutions.
That being said, here are 14 goals for 2014:
1. Give yourself a break. You do this thing where you think if you make the same mistake twice or if you don't at least see improvement overtime, you are going backwards. Time is linear, but progress isn't always. You can make the same mistakes twice, or three times, or a hundred times. And you don't have to make these big leaps and bounds forward everyday. You'll be surprised at how much progress you make when you aren't monitoring your every move. Like that phrase about a watched pot never boiling.
2. Continue to be healthy. Eat well, sleep well, work out, exercise your brain, exercise your heart and soul. If you can be healthy, mentally, physically, and emotionally, you will be your best version of you. Seriously, you aren't going to be a kind, friendly, loving or lovable person if you are feeling unwell.
3. Regarding men: take a page out of your new favorite show Sex and the City and have the flirtatious manner of Samantha, the wisdom and caution of Miranda, the sweetness and romantic ambition of Charlotte, and the penchant for writing it all down of Carrie. You spend a lot of time being Miranda and I don't think it's helpful in finding a mate. I think the message of the show really is, above all else, that none of these women can be role models for successful love lives, but together they make a balanced, if not neurotic woman. Also, just cool your tits about getting a boyfriend.
4. Maintain your relationships, keep them healthy, and make new friends. In girl scouts there was that rhyme about new and old friends being silver and gold. Well, focus less on categorizing your relationships by precious metals, and concentrate of committing yourself to having valuable and meaningful relationships with people. If they aren't genuine, if they aren't healthy, then why are you putting effort in to maintain them? Actively choose to associate yourself with positive people and be honest, communicative, and caring.
5. Be pretty. Last year it was be sexy. This year be pretty. Wear make up, smile, moisturize. And be pretty on the inside. Pretty, like sexy, is a lifestyle.
6. Adventure. This is a perfect resolution for this new year because in 5 days you are leaving for Italy. Be adventurous.
7. Don't be shy. Too much time is wasted in you being shy. You cannot make friends or have adventures if you are shy. Stop pretending you are a wallflower. You are the loudest goddamn wallflower in the world, get over it.
8. Don't procrastinate. You cannot do anything if you cannot do it in a timely fashion. Plus, shyness is just another form of procrastination, and that's already off the list of things you are allowed to do.
9. Go to bed early enough that you can wake up early enough to be productive. Aren't you embarrassed when you wake up just in time for lunch? It's like the easiest resolution. I believe in you.
10. Leave the house at least once a day. Do one thing outside of your house or apartment everyday. Even if it is to go for a walk around the block.
11. Talk less, listen more. Believe me, some of your stories are completely pointless. Write it down, say in your blog, if you need to release it to the world. Choose words wisely, they cannot be taken back. Plus, less words gives off an air of pithiness. I think that's a good thing.
12. Don't overcommit yourself. Manage your expectations and the expectations of others. 14 resolutions is an example of overcommitting yourself.
13. My mom suggested "buy more gifts for your mom" as one of my new years resolutions. I don't know if I buy that as a genuine resolution, but it does speak to a goal everyone should have. Be generous. That's a good one. Good job, mom.
14. Change is good. Slow change is good, fast change is good. The world will spin and you better spin with it. And everything, I do mean everything, is going to be okay.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)