The Madness: It Never Stops

I'm in a study group with two freshman boys, and a junior. We meet once a week and talk about the things going on in the class we take together. In case they are reading, I should say men. I'm in a study group with three men. But more on that later.

I am lying in bed write now bone. tired.

I did a lot today, enough that I am definitely fulfilling my resolution to make everyday story-worthy. Which is why, even though I am so dog gone tired, I am writing.

That's what I do. I live. I write. One should not happen without the other.

I. I just spent forty minutes doing the dishes. We have a dishwasher but this is how our kitchen works. We take a dish out, we use it, we put in in the sink, we leave for anywhere for hours to days, then we come back, rinse the dish, put it in the dishwasher, the dishwasher magically re-dirties the dish, we empty the dishwasher and then we wash all the dished. Or. We eat, we wash the one dish. Usually I perform the latter. But I have been so god damn busy lately that, believe it or not, the first has actually been more efficient for me.

II. My back is killing me. You know it actually feels unnatural to walk around without a backpack. It is the second week of the quarter people, I should not feel that way.

III. It was so foggy tonight while I was walking home that I couldn't see anything beyond 20 feet. I took advantage of this by playing music out my phone and dancing and spinning anytime I looked around and didn't see anyone because the fog hid me. It was fun. I need to do stuff like that, be silly. Especially when I am so stressed and busy. I need to take five minutes everyday (at least) to be weird.

IV. I walked to ballard, something I never do even though it is literally a minute away. I still haven't been to Dick's. I think I'm going to have to explore more. It's just so dang cold. That might be what spring and summer quarter will be for. Winter quarter will be for being FUCKING BUSY.

V. Bout to turn 21. I feel like that's enough said.

VI. I am going to Rat City Rollergirls on Saturday. I bought my tickets. So excite.

VII. I am reading the book Nickel and Dimed. I have complex emotions that mostly consist of me being disappointed.

VIII. I got an interview for a job! I haven't done it yet, but the prospect is promising. Like I need something else to do.

IX. Got called lil mamma this week. It was weird, but also a highlight. I know why, too. I mean I know *why* more than like, because he was hitting on me. I know *why* the universe is sending him to me. Universe, I reject that, try again.

X. I'm going to be in a drag show, possibly just by myself because me friends are pussies. I am serious when I say that I feel like I am living life bravely and watching my friends flounder to commit is really frustrating. I mean, it has always been a frustration watching my friends fall off the band wagon while I am driving it. Even in high school. Commit, commit. If not to my ideas, then to your own. I want to do things. I want to go to roller derby and be in a drag show and start a writing organization and go out to a fancy dinner. When I share ideas with my friends its like talking to cows chewing cud. Like, HELLO. ARE YOU THERE? AGREE OR DISAGREE BUT DO SOMETHING. I live life on hot and cold, big, bold colors, loudly. I can't stand the blank stares of non-commitment. The grey expressions that say, lemme get back to you. For once I would like to present an idea to the world and have the world say FUCK YEAH, and then ACTUALLY DO IT. Maybe I just have stupid ideas, but in that case, man up and give me yours.

XI. On a related note I am trying to live my life saying "YES". YES I will give you my number, YES I will do props for Cyrano, YES I will drop everything and go out to dinner. Those are actual things that happened this week. And that's not all of them. I think it's important to know how to say NO. My mom has always struggled with that and I think because I have seen her struggle I have learned how to say NO. But until recently I forgot that saying YES is often braver and more rewarding. Which may be why I am busy but is also why I am more fulfilled. I have been really good at giving that kind of weak and whiny "nooooo..." trailing off into the abyss. Now I say YES. Not yeah, or okay. YES.

XI. I started this venture, blogging, when I was a freshman and I was so into revelations and witty observations. I still want to do that, but I think it's getting harder to do. I have less snark left in me maybe. Or have written down all the sassy things I have to say. More likely, my writing style has changed. I worry that it has become more muted. I see these three guys, men, freshmen, in my study group and I actually don't remember what it is to be there. To compare things to high school or to misunderstand the research required for a term paper. I know I was there. I had a first research project. Now that I mention it, remembering what it was to be in high school is hard. Imagining having 7 classes gives me heart palpitations. The are things I read in high school or freshman year of college that I wonder what I would think if I read them now. I read some very interesting and complex literature, for example, that I doubt if I truly understood the full extent of when I read it then.

XII. In years to come I will laugh or maybe fuss over this period, the things I didn't understand, or thought I understood but was wrong. I thought I had kinda plateaued since I came to college but I really haven't I really really haven't. I understand so much, I have a much bigger sense of compassion, I am braver.

Everyday must have a story. Today I had 12. Probably more if I had more time to think about it. Not bad.

Best Break Up Songs

Caveat 1: Just because I am single, does not mean this list exists for some melodramatic reason.
Caveat 2: This is probably better for the females out there. May not be applicable to all.
Caveat 3: Adelle and Taylor do not make this list. No apologies.
Caveat 4: This is by no means a complete list. Ten is just an easy number.

1. When you are feeling heartbroken: The Script, "Break Even"
2. When you are the one to break up with someone: Kelly Clarkson, "Walk Away"
3. When you are especially nostalgic: Dave Matthews Band, "Sleep to Dream Her"
4. When you are feeling good about yourself/ the break up: Mary J. Blige, "Just Fine"
5. When you are feeling shitty but pretend you aren't: P!nk, "So What"
6. When you are going to make the most of being single: Icona Pop, "I Love It"
7. When you are about to give up on love altogether: Paul Simon, "Crazy Love"
8. When you are feeling spiteful: Justin Timberlake, "Cry Me a River" and/or "What Goes Around Comes Around"
9. When you are better than your ex: Cee Lo Green, "Fuck You"
10. When you are moving on with your life: Ok Go, "Lately It's So Quiet"

There you go. For almost any mood a song or ten that you can use when you are feeling blue. Or maybe you could make a CD for him/her and break up with him/her that way.... "Honey, I need you to listen to this CD and realize that what we had was special. Now it's time to walk away."

I'm Still Learning

The new year is always a time of reflection and of course resolution.

So here's what I have.

What I learned in 2012 about the world, in no particular order:

1. When people say, "We're all adults here," they really mean "Let's pretend we don't know better.

2. Good things usually creep up on you in the same way they usually fizzle away. Nothing worthwhile comes and goes quickly or easily.

3. All humans are cookie cutters. We bake at different temperatures, in different ovens, but we end up in generally the same shape.

What I learned in 2012 about myself, in no particular order:

1. I want to go everywhere, see everyone, meet everyone. As my friend once said, I am in love with places I've never been and people I've never met.

2. If I don't write everyday I start to lose my mind. It makes me think about things and about people and about what I mean to the world. And what I should mean to the world into the future.

3. I am present. I am not past and I am not future. I am here. I am now.

What I hope to learn about the world and myself in 2013, in no particular order:

1. What the world means to me. Not what the world is, but what it is in conjunction with myself. How it effects me, and more importantly, how I effect it.

2. How to apply skills to the world. How to capitalize on my intelligence and my natural ambition.

3. How to live with myself and with other people. How to be compatible with all sorts of people.

And of course, the relatively cliche resolutions:

1. Go to yoga more often. I mean really, like once a week at least.

2. Watch less TV. Get off your lazy ass.

3. Socialize more. Make friends. Party. Talk to people.

4. Eat better? I mean, I guess. Less sweets at the very least.

5. Be more sexy. Seriously, I can do it.

6. Read more books. I'm a nerd, that's what we do.

7. Get. Off. Social. Media. Facebook, twitter, the whole lot.

8. Blog more. I know that is pretty vague, and I always say that, but I'm working on it.

9. Write more. See above.

10. Find a man in Seattle. I know it's a shallow resolution, but hey, it's a desire.

11. Do something everyday that would make a good story.

12. Floss more.....

13. Try not to be so emotionally attached to fictional characters. Or so emotionally attached to most things, for that matter.

There. Thirteen resolutions for 2013.

Boom.

2013 should be great.