Change

I am making a change everyday. I'm going to release myself from guilt everyday little by little. I'm going to unstick myself from inaction. I'm going to embrace myself.

Updates

In an effort to maintain academic momentum, while also realizing that graduate school must wait until I actually know what I'm doing with my life, I have decided to enroll in a post-baccalaureate writing certificate program through UC Berkeley.

It should take a little over a year to complete the course work and hopefully by the time I have finished, I will have figured out grad school.

It means a couple things, for me which are exciting and scary-- excary if you will. It means I will be sticking around the bay area a little longer, first of all. Second of all, it means committing to writing for the first time in an academic setting. Third of all, it means taking responsibility for my fate, something I haven't done a huge lot of since graduating college 7 months ago.

I have always liked writing, even if I didn't think I was very good at it. And it is something I have always done (even when I was too busy to update my blog or follow through on my new years resolutions to write more).

It sort of goes back to this thing I posted here recently, which I think a lot about, where I said that I think people deserve a calling. Or, not deserve exactly, but should have-- in like a perfect world.

But also maybe that Malcolm Gladwell was onto something when he said that people who do a thing a bunch of times are destined to be the best at something, rather than say, destiny deciding things.

So I'm doing a little of both and I figure I will see what happens.

I think about my life and here's how I rank it based on how many hours I spend on it collectively throughout my life:

1. Sleeping
2. Eating
3. Talking
4. Reading
5. Writing
6. Studying
7. Watching Netflix
8. Showering

And here's how I rank my life based on how much I like things:

1. Sleeping
2. Eating
3. Talking
4. Reading
5. Writing
6. Showering
7. Gardening
8. Watching Netflix

So I figure, unless I can find a way to make a living sleeping or talking, I should try making a living by writing. If we are talking passion, I've got it, and if we are talking 10,000 hours, I'm at least well on my way.

The nagging feeling about the practical details of being a writer has not disappeared but I am at the very least comforted by the fact that by the end of this process I will have three things:

1. A certificate certifying my certification in the realm of writing
2. More concrete information as to whether writing is my "thing"
3. Another stepping stone to grad school, whatever that may be.

It is official, and my first class is "Fact or Fiction: Reading and Writing the Personal Essay". Woohoo!

....by *blank*

Here's what infuriates me when someone is speaking and they say something like, "It's not safe to walk home late at night in the city because you might be harassed or assaulted by men." And then someone else says, "Not all men assault women." 

Because 1. Did that person say all men? Did they specifically say, It's not safe to walk home late at night in the city because you might be harassed or assaulted by men."? 

And 2. It's just the way people talk. It's not meant to offend universally, and if you are offended, try to check yourself and see if that's more than a defensive reaction to a painful truth. 

People say things using the plural form of things without the implication that they mean ALL of that thing. 

"If you get cut and are bleeding while you are swimming in the ocean, you should get out of the water before you are attacked my sharks."

"When Harry Potter was picked up by Hagrid and introduced to the world of magic he was happily welcomed by wizards."

"While I was driving during the storm, the leaves were being blown off the trees by the wind."

You don't have to drop everything and interrupt someone to tell them, "NOT ALL SHARKS ATTACK PEOPLE/ WIZARDS LIKE HARRY POTTER/ WIND BLOWS LEAVES OFF TREES."

Because most people already know that. Because they can listen to a statement and think critically about what that statement is really trying to say and not get tangled in the semantics of the statement. Unlike people who go around shrieking "NOT ALL MEN."

Uninspired

I don't want to write but it's part of my resolution so blah blah blah blah words words words yes very good. Bravo me. 

Today I watched TV

I watched tv for the vast majority of the afternoon which was nice but I wasn't feel good so that wasn't nice. I've enjoyed the existence of Friends on Netflix. I've also enjoyed having a DVR again so I can watch what I want whenever I want. It's nice to be able to marathon shows I actually like as opposed to just watching whatever is on at the time. 

Cures for the common headache

4:00PM Advil
4:20PM temple rubbing
4:45PM telling your co-worker you are going to leave early
5:00PM not leaving early
6:00PM listening to NPR
6:45PM still being in traffic
7:20PM wash face
7:30PM foam roll
7:40PM lying on the ground with your eyes closed
8:00PM dinner
8:05PM with a beer
8:30PM doing the dishes
8:45PM updating blog


Never mind. Sometimes you just have a headache and there's nothing anyone can do.

Feb 2 & 3: Special Skill

I have this fantasy that everyone has a special skill bestowed on them. And if you find that skill you will succeed. It is an inspiring and forgiving fantasy. It is inspiring because it means that everyone can succeed. And it is forgiving because it implies that if you aren't succeeding it is because you haven't yet found your special skill and if you keep searching and trying you will get there. I don't know where this idea of a bestowed characteristic-- or a calling-- comes from. I don't even know where this special skill is bestowed from. I'm not religious so it wouldn't be a gift from God. Nor does any belief in fate or an implicitly ordered cosmos factor in.  This belief is almost instinctual, even while my brain denies it, pointing out 10,000 hours to expertise, practice makes perfect, and other commonly accepted ideas about success being tied to actually DOING. Somewhere deep in my core a very stubborn part of my rejects this for the more romantic notion that I will someday stumble upon my calling. That it will come naturally to me. That giving up easily on things I was not immediately good at, not investing enough time or effort into any one thing, not choosing to pursue any one interest for fear it was the wrong one-- these were good decisions. That they weren't driven by laziness or fear or incompetence. I have been biding my time and every day that passes special skill still absent, the more panic consumes me. It's going to be too late to perfect anything now if my heart is wrong and my brain is right and practice really does make perfect. Who has 10,000 hours to spare? What if my life and success is really up to me? I'm not confident I know how to approach that kind of responsibility. I which is why I have this fantasy. 

Feb 1

I promise to be better in February. I really do. What happened was I fell off the bandwagon and once you are off it's really hard to get back on. But I'm back on. Crisis averted. 

IOU Sentences

I forgot some days in January so here are some make up sentences.

14. There are four seasonal smells that are universally recognized by the human race. 
17. Let's start with autumn.
18. Autumn smells like wet pavement after the first rain since summer. 
19. Like the first shiver down your back.
22. Like the dry, dusty smell of orange leaves. 
24. Winter smells clean and bright and hollow. 
25. Like mud and puddles. 
26. Like frosted windshields. 

27. Spring smells like the inside of a Monet painting. 

28. It smells like life and hope.

29. Like the first flower poking out of cold, hard ground. 

30. And, finally, summer smells of dust and melting asphalt. 

31. A mustiness fills your lungs in summer, along with the heat. 

Galaxy

If I could, I would tattoo our galaxy on the inside of my skull like a planetarium so when I'm bored through out the day I can close my eyes and look at the stars. 

Happy birthday

Nobody loves you when you're 23. 

Seattle

I went to Seattle and forgot to write. 

Mouse

Even a dead mouse makes me jump.

Success

In my experience, caring is the most important prerequisite to success. 

Sinus infection

You know what is worse than a sinus infection? An allergic reaction to my antibiotics. 

Laundry

Laundry is the worst. 

I'm Sorry Amy

I spilt coffee on Amy Poehler's book. I wish I had done that with Mindy Kaling's book. I just finished Mindy's book. I just started Amy's. I love Mindy but I love Amy more. I guess a coffee stained book is a well loved book. 

Black

On Saturdays we wear black. 

Do It

If I knew what I wanted I would have already done it. 

Technically

Technically it's 1/9 but I am counting this as 1/8 because I haven't gone to bed. 

Tonight I lit three candles and watched tv. 

Forgot

I had a sentence but then I forgot it.

Learning

As long as you're learning I think you can do almost anything without regret. If at the end of the day you can say, I know something now I would have never known otherwise, you have succeeded immensely.

Jury Duty

People on juries are required to wear lots and lots of perfume and or talcum powder.

Late

I'm late and Mike Birbiglia would hate me.

Fame

Sometimes doing nothing yields satisfying results.

Food

I ate tacos and Fenton's ice cream today and I am so full I just might explode.

Anxiety

Anxiety gets caught pressed up against your breast when you fold your arms across your chest.

Anxiety is the monster hiding under your bed and in your closet, all green eyes and prickly skin.

Anxiety burrows underneath your covers late at night, waking you up empty and alone.

Anxiety wakes you up in a dull way with tepid coffee and cold feet.

Anxiety is an itchy sweater you pull at the neckline of as you commute to work.

Anxiety stretches the silence between stuttered sentences and injects them with self doubt.

Library

If I know anything for certain it is that a well organized personal library is the most valuable and beautiful thing in the world.

Ground Rules for a New Year

One reason I have decided to resume blogging is that it is one of my New Years' Resolutions.

In honor of that, and in trying to hold myself accountable this year, I will list here my 15 resolutions for 2015.

1. Minimize Social Media Use

2. Disconnect from Technology

3. Read More

4. Drink More Water

5. Make More Time to Exercise

6. Nurture Your Body and Soul

7. Pursue Hobbies

8. Meet New People

9. Consider Your Future

10. Make Use of Mornings

11. Have Fun

12. Be Adventurous

13. Pursue Simplicity

14. Be Generous

And, the reason we are all here now,

15. Write more.

These seem like pretty straightforward resolutions. The biggest difference between this year's resolutions and previous years is that I have broken down each resolution into 12 parts. Why 12, you ask. Good question. I love the inquisitive attitude. Keep it up.

I choose 12 because there are 12 months in a year and thus every month I will either focus on a new aspect of my resolution or I will raise the stakes for that resolution. Why does this matter to me, you ask. I see you heeded my advice re: maintaining your inquisitive attitude. Please continue to heed my advice, I'm very clever and wise. It behooves you to listen to me. But back to your question.

I have made Resolution 15, the writing resolution, in to a very concrete resolution not just for every month but for every day in that month. So good news, I will not only update my blog more in the new year, I will update it everyday, anything and everything I write this year.

Yeah, I've heard this before, you say-- which reminds me I don't particularly appreciate your snark while I'm grappling with self-improvement. I think the thing I have said more on this blog than anything else is that I will blog more. But I finally found a way in which I might be successful which is a strategy I think anyone can apply to anything.

Don't get too excited, it's not original at all. Even remotely. But pay attention anyway.

I have decided doing something small and daily is better than doing something big and never. In the past writing has meant sitting down and focusing on writing something long, or meaningful, or creative, or original. Which means I could make excuses for not writing sooooo easily. Mostly the excuses were along the lines of I don't have time to sit down and focus on writing. If I got past that hurdle however, then it turned into I can't think of anything long, or meaningful, or creative, or original.

So in the month of January, starting today, I will be writing at least one sentence everyday. And then posting it here to encourage accountability. When February (an unreasonably hard word to spell in my opinion) arrives I will up my word count to 200 words a day (you don't need to remember this, I will remind you). And so it goes, adding words to each month until I can properly write again without feeling like I'm going to the dentist to pull teeth.

A sentence a day doesn't sound very impressive. In fact it sounds downright depressing that that is my standard but I'll tell you that writing 31 sentences in the month of January will be 31 sentences more than I wrote in the month of December. It's more about getting back into my routine than it is about writing something brilliant and earth shattering. You can't win if you don't show up. (See my advice is amaaaazing, you should keep reading)

And besides, look how many sentences I wrote today! I'm such an over-achiever.

This is where you come in. Your New Years' Resolution is to check back here whenever you are bored, wasting time on the internet, and you've read all the articles on Buzzfeed (girl, you are such a Miranda).

Hey, and Happy New Years.

New Year, New Look

This New Year's Day, I am most excited to announce the new relaunching of my blog. Goodbye Kierisma, Hello Private Thoughts for the Public Eye. I have decided to re-vamp the old blog as opposed to starting an entirely new blog so that if readers are so inclined they can access the archive. I, myself, probably won't bother.

So Welcome to the new face of my blogging.