High Maintenance

Men always complain that women are high maintenance. They act like they are the only people in the world who recognize this. But what they don't understand is that women ALSO always complain that women are high maintenance. Seriously. We hate how high maintenance we are. And you know why we are high maintenance? Because it's fucking hard to be a woman, both physically and psychologically.

I spend a huge portion of my day being high maintenance. Self-improvement and/or up-keep is the most common. Do you realize how many hours I spend plucking, shaving, brushing, moisturizing, adjusting, covering, filing, painting, exfoliating, primping, and just generally FIXing in a given week? In a given month? I checked my bank statement last month and had spent more money at the drug store than I had at the grocery store.

Women are needy in this department. Last time I checked a man was considered sexy with a five o'clock shadow. But if I forget to shave before going out in a dress the excess spikey-ness is... well it's not considered sexy...

Women are expected to be smooth and clean and sweet-smelling and it's assumed that it's just a natural part of being a woman. But my eyebrows don't naturally look elegant and arching. When left to their own devices they look a bit like they are trying to take over the world ("Zeus eyebrows", I've been told). And the good-smelling rumor is THE worst. The worst BO I have ever been exposed to were from women. Women don't do that sweaty-sexy stud thing. We do the limp hair, racoon-eye-runny-make-up, and oddly onion gross thing. If I wake up at 7AM (which I now due Mon-Thurs for school), by four I need a shower, new make-up, and a comb.

Another part of what makes us high maintenance is our obsession with having an "identity". Whether it is "modern", "traditional", "feminine", "girly", "butch", "sporty", "straight", "queer", "straight-edge", "sweet", "sexy", "strong", etc. We love categorizing ourselves and we love categorizing each other.

And, yea, men have to grapple with similar identity issues and I don't want to belittle them but I am arguing that women have become obsessed with maintaining a desired "identity". The perfect example of this is The Spice Girls. As far as I know there is no Spice Boys (although I would not be opposed). Each Spice Girl had a well manicured, identifiable, separate "identity". They acted within the range of there "identity" and they couldn't act outside of that for fear of muddling what they wanted to be--Posh, Sporty, or SCARY (don't get me started).

Women spend a lot of time thinking about what identity they are projecting. That why whenever you try on clothes with friends they comment by saying "that makes you look slutty/trashy/classy/pretty/sexy/butch/feminine/etc". Rarely do I get a simple good or bad, and if I do my immediate reaction is the person isn't really trying. "But do I look slutty/trashy/classy/pretty/sexy/butch/feminine/etc enough?"

This can get very tricky and high maintenance, especially when the variables are increased. The more people involved the more obsessed we become. If I want to have the "identity" of... Classy with a few friends at my dorm room I'll slap on a skirt and mascara, I'll cover my mouth when I yawn, I'll sit up straight, I'll try to tone down the swearing. But if I'm going out to dinner with my boyfriend and I KNOW lots people will see me in the fancy restaurant he is taking me to, I'm going full dress, heels, lipstick, bronzer, I'm sipping wine and sticking my pinkies out everywhere, I'm speaking about golf or country clubs and I'm laughing daintily.

It also gets complicated when there are higher stakes for identities to be developed and produced. If I need to be... Funny with my little cousin I probably can resort to peekaboo and sponge bob impressions. If I need to be funny as the MC at open mics I need to pump up the volume a little.

It's hard to wake up as say, well what should I be today? In class: in history I'm argumentative, in Italian I'm shy, in sociology I'm inquisitive. With friends I vary from funny, to intellectual, to relaxed, to feminine... I'm always moving from one variation to the next but nothing is accidental. I calculate every interaction and it is High Maintenance!

So if you're a man complaining about a woman or a woman complaining about a woman (or yourself), know that it is a physical and psychological predisposition. And give us a break.