Cold

The cold is sobering. Three glasses of wine later and I'm not drunk, just sad, but the cold helps.

I started this blog little over two years ago after my high school ex drunk dialed me on Halloween. I was drunk too, enjoying life as a Freshman in college, and I spent 20 minutes on the phone with him bitching him out. Later that night I went into a hot tub with my halloween costume on and played would you rather with a bunch of people, one of which is one of my best friends in Seattle today.

Tonight I was the one drunk dialing my ex. Oops. After almost four weeks of being broken up I called him cuz I missed him. And my phone died while I was saying goodbye.

Both times I ended up outside in the cold Seattle air, and I realized, Seattle is frigid.

And it makes me feel frigid.

I know I'm less beautiful when I frown so I always walk home with a scowl. Girls don't get raped if they look unhappy, right?

But I still get hit on.

Tonight: "Hey, you're really beautiful." from out of a car window. Then once he noticed I was unimpressed "Do you like girls? I have a really hot cousin."

Seattle freezes you until you are worried your heart will just stop. And when you cry the tears freeze to your face.

Icicles hang from the edges of my soul and frost nips at the corners of my mind.

In balmy Bay Area my friends called me the ice queen. But a thousand miles north my breath comes out in steamy wisps. I watch them curl up and away.

I feel like a passenger of the Titanic. Jack is gone, and I've got to wait until someone rescues me with a blanket and a cup of tea. But what if no one comes? What if I float away into the Atlantic forever?

I feel like Frankenstein's monster. Ripped apart and put back together. Wanting some one like me to share a life with until I find myself in the Arctic alone, freezing to death.

I thrive on companionship. I'm not someone who can maintain lots of little friendships. I've always had one person to confide in. Matt, Laura Jean, Antonio, Lauren, Tina, Maddy, Sarah, Haley, Claire, Caitlin, Meghan, Kristina, Bridget, Kellyn. Half of these people I don't even talk to anymore.

I don't know if I am prone to be lonely but I feel lonely right now.

I need someone I know will be there.

I need someone who wants to be there.

My mom told me if I felt really sad after the break up I should think about seeing someone about it. Like a therapist or something. A professional. But I don't want a professional. I want a friend. I want a best friend.

I'm really good at putting people first.

I've gotten better at putting myself first.

But I want someone else to put me first.

I've been my best friend longer than I've known you, and yet we keep talking like we don't know ourselves. I've never had a problem knowing who I was. I've had a problem finding anyone else who does. And still wants to be around after they find out.

I know I'm beautiful. I get hit on even when I scowl. Thinking about it later, I don't understand what that guy meant. I was wearing four layers of jacket. What, does he have X-ray vision?

And I know I'm funny. And I know I'm smart. And I know I can be too blunt but I hate liars. I like diplomacy but I don't like two faced bitches. I take showers every day and I am clean. I have straight teeth and shiny hair and small feet. I am loving and kind and ambitious. I don't drink too much or smoke or do drugs. I like children and kittens and books. I like nerdy things and movies and writing.

And I keep waiting for someone to drop everything and say, "Hey you're really beautiful."