What am I DOING with my life.
Okay, that was dramatic. I've got, like, eight months until I graduate and then I will be FREE.
But eight months seems so far away right now.
And winter is coming.
So much to do and so little time. I know that is an over used phrase but I really feel the pressure. With no time to do everything I need to do before I graduate, I am surprisingly tired of waiting to graduate. I am, like, so ready to graduate. I have always moved on before I was done with something. Bored half way through a task, it would with no real explanation lose my attention, and I would move on. That's not realllyyyy how it works with college. You can't just give up on getting your degree because, honestly, you are over it.
Maybe that's the lesson I'm learning. Stick with it until the job is done! Have patience and you will be rewarded! Work hard and make it in the world.
Today I told my roommate I would be happy building houses for the rest of my life.
All the ideas about my future are swirling around in my head and all of them are so much more appealing than drudging through eight more months of college. Been there, done that. I want to do something new.
Now, I must say, that approximately three of those said eight months will be spent in Italy and you have no idea HOW EXCITING THAT IS. I seriously, seriously can't wait to be back in Rome. And a tiny little crack in my brain is letting fantasies of running away to Italy forever fill my head.
You know that feeling when you dive into water really deep and it's so beautiful and so quiet and you feel all encompassing tranquility... until you start to swim back to the surface for air and you realize you spent just two seconds too long underwater and you know you're not going to drown or anything but for those two seconds too long you think "this is just awful I can't do this, why did I do this". That's where I am at. I know I CAN finish, now I just have to hold my breath long enough to actually do it.
Fall is not my favorite season. I know it's very popular but I just don't cope well with autumn. I have these delusions of sitting in a cafe drinking spiced cider reading poetry or wearing knit sweaters and eating something pumpkin-y. Or taking long walks with a scarf and boots on or feeding the birds out of my hand while crisp red leaves crunch under foot.
In all of my fall experiences, none have ever lived up to my expectations. It's cold, it's damp, it signals the end of summer, and there is always too much to do.
You know what I did today on my nice autumn day? Read about the families of incarcerated men in San Quentin, did statistics homework, worked out, ate pasta, and had not a single pumpkin related food or drink.
I like summer. Summer always lives up to my expectations. Spring as well, its usually good and living up to itself. Winter, even occasionally lives up to my fantasies of snow and hot cocoa--plus winter means Christmas which means all sorts of wonderful things. But fall. Fall sucks.
So right now I'm in a sour mood because a) I am over school and b) I am over fall.
I have decided, as an act of self preservation, to dream my days away, until I leave for Rome. Dream of building houses, dream of sailing ships, dream of the ocean, dream of the sun, dream of traveling the world, dream of writing novels, dream of all the books I'v never had the time to finish, dream of the man I haven't met, dream of a house with white walls, dream of the nights will friends, of the nights of fun, of the mornings of good coffee and good company, of afternoon picnics, of sundresses, of gourmet cooking, of hiking, of fishing, of swimming, of moving on from here... And then, it suddenly seems bearable.
Update: HELP! My roommates are making my dress up in scarves and sweaters and boots to go march around in the autumn.
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