I want to throw up on my future...

I don't want to study.

It has come to the point where I would rather do research for grad programs than study. So at least I'm being productive...

Only after reading, texting, tweeting, watching tv, eating, and doing all other manners of procrastination.

I must now answer the sickening question of whether I follow my head or whether I follow my heart as I have narrowed down my options to two radically different fields of study: Business or English.

As I hone in on my two different options one thought pops into my head: "I'm going to throw up."

I was overwhelmed by college applications when I was in high school. Truth. But I also had my parents and my teachers and my friends and my high school adviser and my high school college adviser (yes we had both) and my SAT tutor and my neighbors and my mom's friends and my extended family and- and- and...

I basically just nodded my head and took notes and then did what they said. And then, look, now I'm in college. The only thing I really did by myself was pick which school I went to, and even that was highly influenced by other people and other variables.

I'm a junior and I don't even know what I'm doing in a year and a half. And I know I could look that shit up by myself, but there's no like do to list on google. I checked.

When I was a junior in high school I had this shit locked down.

Now I'm floating in this abyss of options and I know one thing:

I either want to do Business or English.

I don't know where, I don't know how, but at least I *almost* know what I'm studying.

I looked up schools. You know how many programs I have narrowed it down to so far? 26.

26 programs, 15 in Business and 11 in English.

I figure, first I have to decide what kind of program, and then I have to decide which school.

My head or my heart.

"I'm going to throw up."

My head or my heart may be misleading. Some of you may blink at me and say naively, "always follow your heart".

I have two dreams, essentially. Which isn't true because I have many, many dreams, one of which is to be a pirate, another of which is to be an archaeologist. Then we have president, princess, rancher, cowboy, actress, hair stylist, interior designer, event coordinator, explorer, chef, mariner, spy, rock and roll star...

But I have two dreams I think I could actually be feasible. And before you blink at me again and say "you can be anything you want", I don't actually think I could be a rock and roll star, I have tried learning to play instruments and I got bored.

I know I have strengths as well as weaknesses. And instead of vainly trying to become a princess or a pirate in this modern age, I will be wise about my dreaming.

My two dreams. The dreams that are lucid, that I can control.

1. I want to be a small business owner.
2. I want to be a novelist.

Both dreams are just dreams. And both dreams can be helped by grad programs. In either Business or English.

I know that an MBA is far more practical, and thus I have labeled it my head option. Because regardless of my dream, I know I can functionalize it.

And I know that I write everyday and want to for the rest of my life, so regardless of whether my dream of becoming a novelist comes true, I will be following my heart with an English program.

Thus, my head and my heart.

"I'm going to throw up."

Oh, and there is the added bonus that I have no undergrad experience in either. No extracurricular experience in either. No brilliant internships or work experiences. I will be applying to these programs as an underdog.

Everyone loves an underdog....