Soul Size

Here are some things I should do, in order of urgency:

Study for international studies final
Study for Italian final
Fill out application to language learning scholarship
Fill out application to study abroad program
Fill out application to honors program
Look up graduate school programs

What I have done today, chronologically:

Woke up (late)
Showered (quickly)
Went to Italian class (late)
Went to international studies lecture (didn't take notes)
Began reading Stardust (not homework)
Fell asleep (in public)
Went to scholarship meeting (meeting began early, thus, late)
Drank bubble tea (sugar high)
Stalked friend from bedroom window (creepy)
Watched Supernatural (not homework)
Read half an article on Israel (didn't finish)
Ate cookies (fat)
Ate fried rice (eh)
Looked up a bunch of info on the stuff I did have to (didn't actually do anything with that information)
Listened to music while blogging (not homework)

And let's not mention all the twitter, texting, and facebook I did today. I need to get rid of that shit. Really. It's stupid.

Is it sufficient to say that I have lost all motivation for this quarter?

I don't think finals should happen at the end of the quarter. We are all zombies. We should have all our finals and papers due like during the fourth week. Cuz after that, we loose all our steam.

Remember like a month ago when I gave a shit? Yeah, I'm just gunna do what I know will let me slide by.

In other news, it's December and I've resurrected this freaking blog. Huzzah! I know I keep saying that but it seems like it's actually happening. So let's cross our fingers the inspiration continues.

It'll be my pre-New Year's resolution.

Same with yoga. I'm going to go to yoga as often as I can until I go home. In a week. Haha.

The BAY AREA!! For three weeks.

I am expecting it to be both more dramatic and less eventful than I expect it, if that makes sense. We will see I suppose and I will try to keep you updated.

I'm a little hesitant. Mostly excited, but a little anxious. Home is where the heart is. That's what they say.

Oh God, am I heartless? Because I don't feel at home anywhere.

I love going back to my home town but it's not the same. I mean it is functionally the same, this is small town living, nothing changes much except maybe the kind of SUV popular amongst soccer moms.

But I feel differently from when I was in high school or middle school or elementary school. I know it's normal, but my parent's house is like a sanctuary that you run to when you need a break or miss your family. It's not a place you live normally.

At the same time, Seattle is getting more familiar as much as I resist. The weather still kills me but actually this year has been pretty mild. Now that I've said that... shit is gunna get vengeful.

This year has been more fun than last year, although nothing compares to my freshman year. I know the break up didn't do tons for my morale, but I've made new friends, grown closer to people, and even felt closer to the city itself.

I am starting to relax into life here. The apartment helps. Having a place, my place, that I get to myself and can staple as many posters as I want to the walls.

I have learned a lot about myself in the year that has passed. I have learned a lot about what love is and what it means, what I want in the future, what I want my life to be, who I want to be associated with and who I don't, among other things.

I have embraced my nerdiness in ways I hadn't only a year ago. I have recognized the importance of honesty, and how it drives me nuts when people aren't honest. I have learned about how I interact with other types of people, especially people I have to spend lots of time with. I have begun to understand what it means to love and be loved and re-prioritized my understanding of love only in the last couple of months. I have learned how to live with myself as well as with someone else, and realized that although I yearn for companionship, I am functional on my own.

I know there are still things I need to improve upon. Being braver when I have to venture alone. Being more open to new people and new experiences. Being more understanding of people who operate differently from myself. Being more rational in stressful and emotional contexts, especially in interpersonal relations. Being more careful with myself and realizing that I am numero uno when it comes to my heart and my happiness.

Some of these things people will agree on, maybe even recognize that these are things they should work on too. Other things people may not agree with. That's okay.

The one thing I realized, stepping out of the shower a few weeks ago, was this:

You don't have to constantly be growing.

When this thought filtered through my morning thoughts I stood dumbstruck in a towel dripping water on the bathroom floor.

Wait what? My brain asked my... brain...

Yeah, you don't have to be constantly improving yourself. Just because you are technically a day older, doesn't mean you have to be a day better.

Yes I do.

Why? You were 20 yesterday. You're 20 today. If you fuck up today in the same ways you fucked up yesterday, no one's gunna think you are a failure. And furthermore, if you did really well yesterday, but fuck up today, it's not gunna be a tragedy. No one's gunna think you are going backwards.

I will be going backwards though.

No you will not be. You CAN'T go backwards.

When that thought hit me, it really changed my perspective. I need to relax a little. I'm a little too introspective. I'm a little too concerned with growing up.

I'm 20. What am I doing? I need to act my age, not my soul size.